It is important to note that there is no set age at which a child’s wishes and feelings will determine the outcome, unless they have reached the age of 16. A child’s wishes and feelings will be taken into account in light of their maturity as well as age, but other factors also apply, such as the child’s needs and ability of the parents to meet these needs. Ultimately, decisions must be made that are in the child’s best interests.
We advise against directly asking young children which parent they want to live with, or if and when they want to see the other parent. When children are stuck in the middle, they can find it hard to voice their opinions as they do not want to upset either parent or may even fear how a parent will react.
The Child and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (CAFCASS) have online resources to help parents communicate positively to children and send the message that their relationship with both parents is valued. Parents can create a written agreement using CAFCASS’ ‘Our Child’s Plan’ to address practicalities such as living arrangements, communication preferences and childcare responsibilities. This encourages parents to listen and focus on what is important to the child and the plan can be shared with the child, depending on their age.
We know that in some cases, parents simply cannot communicate effectively or agree what is best for their children. In these situations, involving professionals such as a family counsellor, therapist or mediator can help.
Children can now be a part of mediation themselves, known as ‘child inclusive mediation’. This will involve them engaging in confidential discussions with the mediator about their worries, feelings and wishes for the future. The child will then decide what information they want to be shared with the parents. This provides children with a safe, reassuring space to share their views without feeling under pressure. It provides the parents with an opportunity to understand how their child truly feels, helping them to make child focused decisions.
Whatever your situation, we can advise on the best option, signpost you to the most suitable professional and guide you through the process.
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